Tale from Ireland:
In the pub, John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ”Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ”I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, ”Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, ”Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
”Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, ”John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, ”Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

Efter jobbet gav jag mig ut i skogen på ett ställe där en skogsväg som jag aldrig undersökt, gick in. Jag gick och gick och gick, men den kom ju aldrig fram någonstans alls!! Jag hade till slut ingen aning om var jag var och blev både svettig och törstig – och jättetrött vid blotta tanken på att behöva gå tillbaks samma väg igen.
Men så fick det bli. Det känns alltid lika frustrerande att behöva gå tilbaks, pga att ”vägen” inte ledde någonstans. Dvs att den bara slutar i antingen en mosse, tät oframkomlig ungskog, eller att ett av alla miljoner sumpiga djupa diken skär av framkomligheten.
På ett ställe lyckades jag komma över ett sådant dike, bara för att mötas av fem (!) andra inom kort. Jag var omringad av dem!

Saker jag ogillar:
1) Diken
2) Mossar och annan blöt geggig mark
3) Hyggen med fruktansvärt mycket trägrenar överallt och djupa hålor
4) Granskog som är ca 5 – 10 år som inte går att ta sig igenom

Men jag fick ju lite motion i alla fall! Och nu har jag målat äppleträden svarta! Dvs på alla de stora ytor som helt saknade bark, efter vinterns rådjursattacker. En trädgårdsmästare sa att det kan hjälpa med vanlig oljefärg förutsatt att det inte gått för lång tid. Det kanske det har, men jag gör ett försök i alla fall. Det kan i alla fall inte bli värre.
Lite färg blev över, efter att jag själv fått lite i håret och på skjortan, och Matisse fått svarta fötter efter att ha agerat trädkramare… Den färgen använde jag slut på en stolpe, en bräda i garaget och lite ändträ på sågbocken… Hade funderingar på att göra en sten prickig också, men där tog färgen slut. Det kanske var lika bra det.
Hade färgen varit aldrig sinande, hade jag nog målat hela trädgården svart – hade inte det varit häftigt?
I Discworld-böckerna, som jag älskar att läsa, figurerar bl a Döden och han bor i sitt svarta rike, där ALLT är svart, även hans trädgård. Men med OLIKA NYANSER AV SVART!

Men det står alla fritt att tro på vad de vill – bara jag får tro på vad jag vill.

Nog om mina privata uppfattningar och tillbaks till Gardell.
Han skiljer på vad Jesus ska ha sagt och vad kristna människor hävdar att kristendomen säger. Vilket på väldigt många punkter är helt olika saker.

Nu kommer det:
Gardell säger – efter att ha läst innehållsförteckningen på en glassförpackning – att Kristus förhåller sig till kristendomen på samma sätt som naturliga smakämnen förhåller sig till naturidentiska smakämnen!

Fotnot: Naturidentiska aromämnen är kemiskt identiska med naturliga. De framställs kemiskt och används för att få en jämn kvalitet eller för att tillverka aromer som skall klara t.ex. värme eller en sur miljö…

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

August 19th

Gentlemen:
I do not have an outsanding balance. I attached a note with my payment telling you that I had been billed twice for the same amount: once under my first name and last name; and then under my first two initials and my last name. Please check my records.

September 17th

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

September 19th

Dear Machine:
You’re not paying attention! I do not owe this money. I was billed TWICE for the same purchase. PLEASE look into this.

October 17th

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

October 19th

Dear Machine:
My attention! You want MY attention! Listen here, YOU ARE WRONG!!! I DON’T owe you $4.10. CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? I also DON’T owe you the new charges of $13.46. You billed ME for my MOTHER’S purchase. Please correct this at ONCE!

November 17th

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

November 19th

Dear Human Machine Programmer:
Dear ANYONE Human:
WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE COMPUTER LONG ENOUGH TO READ THIS? I DON’T OWE YOU THIS MONEY!!! I DON’T OWE YOU ANY MONEY! NONE!

December 17th

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

“Good afternoon and Merry Christmas. This is a recorded message. All our lines are in service now. If you will please be patient, one of our adjusters will be with you just as soon as a line is free.”

December 26th

Dear Machine:
I tried to call you on December 18th. Also December 19th, 20th,21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th. But all I got was a recorded message. Please, oh, please! Won’t you turn me over to a human? Any human?

January 17th

Dear Madam:
Our Credit Department has turned your account over to us for collection. Won’t you please remit this amount now? We wish to cooperate with you in every way possible, but this is considerably past due. May we have your check this time?

Very truly, yours
HENRY J. HOOPER Auditor

January 19th

Dear Mr Hooper:
You DOLL! You gorgeous HUMAN doll! I refer you to letters I sent to your department, dated the 19th of August, September, October, November and December, which should clarify the fact that I owe you nothing.

February 17th

Dear Madam:
According to our microfilm records, our billing was in error. Your account is clear. We hope there will be further inconvenience to you. Though this was our fault, you can help us if, in the future, you will always include your account number when ordering by mail or phone.

Very truly yours,
HENRY J. HOOPER Auditor

February 19th

Dear Mr Hooper:
Thank you! Oh, thank you, thank you,!

March 17th

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

March 19th

Dear Machine:
I give up. You win. Here’s a check for $2.98. Enjoy yourself.

April 19th

THIS IS A BUSINESS MACHINE CARD. PLEASE DO NOT FOLD.

Moving to Canada

July 1 – Moved to Canada. I am so excited. It’s so beautiful here. The scenery is great, the trees are so tall. Can’t hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 – Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

Nov. 11 – Deer season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 – It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won).
When the snowplough came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada.

Dec. 12 – More snow last night. The snowplough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 – More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. It’s beautiful here but I’m exhausted from shovelling. And that fucking snowplough!

Dec. 22 – More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the prick that drives
the snowplough hides around the corner until I’m done shovelling the driveway. That fucking idiot!

Dec. 25 – Merry fucking Christmas! More fucking snow! If I ever get my hands on the fucking prick who drives the snowplough, I swear I’ll kill the idiot. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the freaking ice.

Dec. 27 – More fucking white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that fucking snowplough goes through. Can’t go anywhere, the car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit and it’s so freaking cold. The weatherman says to expect another 25 centimeters of snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 25 centimeters is?

Dec. 28 – That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 75 cms of snow this time. At this rate it won’t melt before summer. The fucking snowplough got stuck in the road and that idiot came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the snow he had pushed into my driveway, I darn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed! They are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that salt they put all over the roads?

May 10 – Moved back to Egypt. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken fucking place as Canada!